When "good enough" isn't.

For for the mild abandonment, bloggies.

The truth is that by the time I posted the last blog, I was just about dated out. I was starting to hate it. And I was definitely hating online-dating.

Greg Good Man and I went out twice. I wasn't totally feeling the chemistry the first time, but wanted to give him another shot. We went out again, he was a perfect gentlemen, but conversation felt like a constant strain. And, as much as I hate to admit it (because there's no good reason), every time he even touched my arm or back I would tense up. So after we went out twice and he asked me out again, I told him that although he was very kind and gentlemanly, I didn't see us having a relationship beyond friendship. In true form, he bowed out graciously. Good guy, but not the right guy.

The old me would have stuck it out and "hoped" things improved. But the "growing me" realized that "good enough" isn't what I really want. I want to date someone I enjoy being around and who challenges me. I would be cheating myself and the man I was with to settle for less.

There are updates, to be sure. In good news, I broke the curse of the first date killer. The last two guys I've gone out with have asked me out again! And there is one fella I'm on date #9 with...

TO BE CONTINUED.

The next level- Bio Card

One of the most eccentric tips Patti has for finding love within a year is creating your own personal bio card.

Basically, this reminds me of something between an actor's head shot and a baseball card.

It includes full length and face photographs, as well as a short bio of your interests and background. I actually asked Patti on twitter what to include specifically, and although she responded to the wrong person, she did respond. "On your bio card your stats, height, weight, age, occupation n interests...plus how to contact you!"

First of all, I'm not putting my weight on this thing! It would even feel awkward to put my height. I mean really? Sigh, but I figure since I have no idea what I'm doing in this "bio card" arena, I should just follow her advice blindly.

The purpose of the card is to give it to your friends and family, for them to give to men who might be a good match. I'm actually interested to see how this turns out.

One of my friends took pictures for the card last week. I'm about halfway done with the design and bio writing. Then time to print and disperse! 

Let him show you how it's done

I am actually excited! I have a date on Tuesday night. Yes, Tuesday night. That is a few days away, but how about that- the man planned ahead.

You may recall this fella as Greg Good Man from the last post. So far I have to say, this guy gets very high marks. Let me just point out a few things that I feel like he did right.

He messaged me first. 

Of course it doesn't have to be this way, but it is flatter that he took the time to.

He mentioned specific points on my profile.

It wasn't a generic message. He noted specific things that he liked about my profile and said that he'd like to get to know me more.

He was prompt in replying, but not creepy-fast prompt. 

This can be a delicate balance. In fact there was a guy just this week who would get frustrated that I wouldn't respond within minutes. But Greg Good Guy is reliable and dependable, and frankly that is very attractive.

He takes initiative.

He asked me for my phone number after a few messages exchanged. He asks me when a good time to call would be, and calls me at that time. After a few phone calls, he asked me out.

He is gentlemanly.

He asked if I like particular types of food, then when I gave a really terrible answer (truly my bad), he already had a plan, which was great. He asked if I'd be more comfortable meeting there or if he "could do the chivalrous thing and pick me up." I was so flattered! I honestly haven't had a guy pick me up in so long. I live kind of out of the way of most people, and when I warned him of that he insisted it wasn't an issue.

So there you have it. He should consider writing a short course in how to treat a lady. And frankly, woo a lady. I find myself smiling. It's very unlike me... but I like it. :)

Why this girl doesn't like "nice guys"

Let me tell you a little story. A story of a girl and two boys.

The girl liked Nick Nice Guy. In fact, the more she hung out with him, the more she liked him. And he sure did seem to like her. But something was amiss. He wouldn't initiate activities together. He seemed to care more about what she thought of him than how he felt about her. Even though the girl really liked him, this isn't a sustainable relationship model.

Then came along Greg Good Man. The girl didn't feel the same chemistry with Greg that she did with Nick right off the bat, but she was immediately impressed with how he handled himself and her. He was kind and respectful, let her know that he was interested in her, and took charge of progressing the relationship forward.

Now which guy do you think the girl ultimately went out with?

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Not much will send me into sheer peevedness as quickly as a man who bemoans that he is the "nice guy that never gets the girl." Here's the honest truth- girls don't want to be with "nice guys."

In what use is the word "nice" a trait you associate with masculinity? I can tell you that I want a man who is strong, brave, kind, and compassionate. But nice? Nice makes me think of weak coffee. Nice is how you describe things that aren't quite bad.

The hard truth is that "nice men" are often PASSIVE MEN.

I can't speak for all women, but I can say that for me, this is such a turn off. In my mind, if a man can't ask you out, then how are they going to react when the actual difficulties of a relationship come along? Men who complain about this are the ones who so often slip into the friendship zone because they are waiting for some bolt to fall from the sky to ignite the relationship. Relationships don't fall out of thin air. They happen because someone took a risk in making themselves vulnerable. As a woman, I am capable of that, but I want to be with a man who wants me enough to take a leap of faith to work for it.

Here's a shocker- I'm the girl in the opening parable. I would like to start a relationship with the Nice Guy, but I'm tired of putting myself out there if he can't match it. But do you know how good it feels to be pursued by a Good Man? Very. And frankly, that is a sign of character I'll take any day.

Good men are hard to find. But if you do find one, don't take him for granted.

Saturday night special

I haven't written in a while. I'm sure there's been a "What Patti Said" void in your heart that this blog is meant to fill. Never feel, gentle readers, here I be.

I got discouraged by online dating. I'm sure Patti would say, "Well you should be diversifying your man portfolio!" Ideally, 1/3 of leads from online dating, 1/3 from friends, 1/3 from your geographic circle (aka men you meet just by being out and about).

It's just very discouraging, ya know? I won't start the trite single woman's lament, but it's true. There's the guys I've gone out with who would like to enter me in their cell phone as booty call. There are the men who I'm just not interested in. And of course there's the one guy who I actually like who is the type of guy I should want to be with, but of course I'm somewhere between sabotaging for fear and looking for things to go wrong.

I just want to shelve the whole thing. I want to make peace with my life and just keep on going at my happy little pace. My doctor told me a few weeks ago that he thinks I should make a five year plan. He probably said that because it's healthy to look into your future and feel some sense of direction and goals. I'm terrible at goal setting, but if I'm going to, the truth is that I have to make plans as though it's just going be me looking out for myself. Which is kind of depressing and thus defeats the purpose, but oh well.

The truth is that I'm learning a lot about myself. I can see things that I have to work through, and the end goal isn't to be with someone, it's to be someone I want to share headspace with. :)

Okay, erratic post. Obviously written by a single girl at 11pm on a Saturday night. Ha! I'll be more interesting some other time.

To pay or not to pay- that is the question

Had another lunch date yesterday with a guy from the internet. The date was meh. He just isn't the personality type I want to spend much time around. By the time an hour had passed, I was really for it to end, which is pretty unusual for me.

The date did bring up one question, though. We met at Panera Bread. I say this so you know that we ordered our food with a cashier, then sat down. Well, he ordered ahead of me. When the cashier asked if we were together or separate, he quickly affirmed- a little too strongly- "Separate!"

Now, let me state my position on this before I tell you how I reacted. Although I am a good southern woman who believes men should be chivalrous, I also am an independent woman. I never go into a date expecting a man should pay. I don't feel entitled to it. Especially when it is meeting for the first time. On every date I go on, I always offer to pay my portion.

BUT. Here's the but. I've never had a guy not offer to pay, so I was kind of caught off guard! Haha, teaches me to be a little southern belle, hmm? I don't know, I just feel like it would have been a nice sign for him to at least offer, especially considering he ordered first.

The truth is, it wouldn't have changed the fact that I wasn't just that into him, so nothing gained, nothing lost, I guess.

What do you think, ladies? Do you expect/want men to pay? Do any fellas read the blog? Do you want women to offer to pay? Would you let her?

My new mantra

Since I last updated you all, some things have happened. I told one fella I felt uncomfortable with the amount of correspondence he wanted before we even met, and he got upset and never contacted me again. Not a big loss.

I have gotten the big blow off from the Twitter fella.

I went to brunch with a nice guy. No sparks flew, but he seemed nice and I wouldn't be surprised if we hung out again. Dropped the F-bomb though. I don't understand on what universe that's appropriate.

Was asked out by another guy via the interwebs, but I think there is a chance that he is a foot fetisher. Not sure what I think about that. Definitely a first!

All this to say, I have been a bit discouraged, but the other day I found myself telling me something over and over that is obvious, but clearly I needed to be reminded.

I am more than who I date!

One of the major downfalls of this little experiment and blog is that I feel like I'm trying too hard, and thoughts of relationships are taking up more than my normal mind-share. But life is good, and I'll keep repeating my mantra as needed. Lather, rinse, repeat.