When "good enough" isn't.

For for the mild abandonment, bloggies.

The truth is that by the time I posted the last blog, I was just about dated out. I was starting to hate it. And I was definitely hating online-dating.

Greg Good Man and I went out twice. I wasn't totally feeling the chemistry the first time, but wanted to give him another shot. We went out again, he was a perfect gentlemen, but conversation felt like a constant strain. And, as much as I hate to admit it (because there's no good reason), every time he even touched my arm or back I would tense up. So after we went out twice and he asked me out again, I told him that although he was very kind and gentlemanly, I didn't see us having a relationship beyond friendship. In true form, he bowed out graciously. Good guy, but not the right guy.

The old me would have stuck it out and "hoped" things improved. But the "growing me" realized that "good enough" isn't what I really want. I want to date someone I enjoy being around and who challenges me. I would be cheating myself and the man I was with to settle for less.

There are updates, to be sure. In good news, I broke the curse of the first date killer. The last two guys I've gone out with have asked me out again! And there is one fella I'm on date #9 with...

TO BE CONTINUED.

Let him show you how it's done

I am actually excited! I have a date on Tuesday night. Yes, Tuesday night. That is a few days away, but how about that- the man planned ahead.

You may recall this fella as Greg Good Man from the last post. So far I have to say, this guy gets very high marks. Let me just point out a few things that I feel like he did right.

He messaged me first. 

Of course it doesn't have to be this way, but it is flatter that he took the time to.

He mentioned specific points on my profile.

It wasn't a generic message. He noted specific things that he liked about my profile and said that he'd like to get to know me more.

He was prompt in replying, but not creepy-fast prompt. 

This can be a delicate balance. In fact there was a guy just this week who would get frustrated that I wouldn't respond within minutes. But Greg Good Guy is reliable and dependable, and frankly that is very attractive.

He takes initiative.

He asked me for my phone number after a few messages exchanged. He asks me when a good time to call would be, and calls me at that time. After a few phone calls, he asked me out.

He is gentlemanly.

He asked if I like particular types of food, then when I gave a really terrible answer (truly my bad), he already had a plan, which was great. He asked if I'd be more comfortable meeting there or if he "could do the chivalrous thing and pick me up." I was so flattered! I honestly haven't had a guy pick me up in so long. I live kind of out of the way of most people, and when I warned him of that he insisted it wasn't an issue.

So there you have it. He should consider writing a short course in how to treat a lady. And frankly, woo a lady. I find myself smiling. It's very unlike me... but I like it. :)

To pay or not to pay- that is the question

Had another lunch date yesterday with a guy from the internet. The date was meh. He just isn't the personality type I want to spend much time around. By the time an hour had passed, I was really for it to end, which is pretty unusual for me.

The date did bring up one question, though. We met at Panera Bread. I say this so you know that we ordered our food with a cashier, then sat down. Well, he ordered ahead of me. When the cashier asked if we were together or separate, he quickly affirmed- a little too strongly- "Separate!"

Now, let me state my position on this before I tell you how I reacted. Although I am a good southern woman who believes men should be chivalrous, I also am an independent woman. I never go into a date expecting a man should pay. I don't feel entitled to it. Especially when it is meeting for the first time. On every date I go on, I always offer to pay my portion.

BUT. Here's the but. I've never had a guy not offer to pay, so I was kind of caught off guard! Haha, teaches me to be a little southern belle, hmm? I don't know, I just feel like it would have been a nice sign for him to at least offer, especially considering he ordered first.

The truth is, it wouldn't have changed the fact that I wasn't just that into him, so nothing gained, nothing lost, I guess.

What do you think, ladies? Do you expect/want men to pay? Do any fellas read the blog? Do you want women to offer to pay? Would you let her?

My new mantra

Since I last updated you all, some things have happened. I told one fella I felt uncomfortable with the amount of correspondence he wanted before we even met, and he got upset and never contacted me again. Not a big loss.

I have gotten the big blow off from the Twitter fella.

I went to brunch with a nice guy. No sparks flew, but he seemed nice and I wouldn't be surprised if we hung out again. Dropped the F-bomb though. I don't understand on what universe that's appropriate.

Was asked out by another guy via the interwebs, but I think there is a chance that he is a foot fetisher. Not sure what I think about that. Definitely a first!

All this to say, I have been a bit discouraged, but the other day I found myself telling me something over and over that is obvious, but clearly I needed to be reminded.

I am more than who I date!

One of the major downfalls of this little experiment and blog is that I feel like I'm trying too hard, and thoughts of relationships are taking up more than my normal mind-share. But life is good, and I'll keep repeating my mantra as needed. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Calling in reinforcements

I'm a solid 2 months into my 12 Month Love Action Plan, and I figured it was time to bring in reinforcements. Yes, I ordered Patti's book- Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate. Because let's face it, a 60 minute DVD is little sustinance for a year's worth of relationship building.

One of the topics she hits on in her book for this phase of the game is date data-collecting. She says that even if you hate the early phases of dating like she does, you can have a good time by making a game of seeing what information you can glean from each experience.

I think this is a good point. I firmly believe that each date, no matter how lackluster or awkward, provides you with ample learning experience, so it's good to go into it with such an attitude.

One way I'm trying to work this into my life is by dating types of guys I usually don't go for. I will admit that I've had a pretty specific "type" and now I'm looking into guys I would normally write off, because well, my own type hasn't been going so well for me, has it? I will say it has forced me out of my comfort zone (in a good way!) and made me drop some preconceptions and prejudices I've had. And who knows, just maybe I'll be proven wrong.

The new old fashioned way

Ladies and gentleman, I just might have a "date" this weekend. I'm going to let my mind go free and follow all the little rabbit paths I want to during this blog as I let you into my psyche.

A date. I think it's a date. I'd call it a date. It's coffee. With a guy. A guy I met online, but through the Twitters, not a dating site. It came about because he kept flirting with me online. I've never met him (although we have mutual friends). I know he's shy, so finally I just messaged him and suggested we should be real life friends and get coffee sometime. He responded very enthusiastically, so we'll see how it goes.

My little part of the subculture is so terrible at dating. If you were an evangelical Christian hitting adolescence during the "Kiss Dating Goodbye" craze, I am pretty sure you were scarred for life on some level and take dating entirely too seriously.

Luckily for me, this fella is very vettable, so there will be no Catfish-like reveals that it's all a hoax. I am 99.5% sure he is really real, which is higher confidence than I have for some of my own friends. :)


So I'm going in with an open mind... but very tempered expectations. All dates, even those not going anywhere, are good life and communication experience. I'll keep you updated.

6 Types of Dating Disasters

In dating, Patti points out 6 types of guys that the single lady should be wary of. 


1. Kenny the Critic

He critiques and corrects everything about you.

Patti says- "He's either insecure or obsessed with perfection."

I've dated this guy. It's maddening. From my experience it stems more from insecurity. My personal opinion is that when it comes to self worth, you either find it within yourself or you make others around you pay for it. That never turns out well!

2. Bobby the Bragger

Boasts about his desirability and every other thing about him.

Patti says- "He thinks he's God's gift to women."

You can spot these guys from their online dating profiles. They usually say things about how stunning they are in physique or career and expect the women they are with to meet the same level of excellence. Nothankyouverymuch.

3. Frugal Freddie

The guy who doesn't want to part with his money and views every interaction in terms of dollars and cents.

Patti says- "It's alright to be thrifty, but very dollar he spends seems to cause him pain."

Yes, also dated this guy. There is a line between wise in spending money and cheap skate. The problem with cheap skates is they make you feel like a liability or not worth (any) money. There are plenty of ways to make a girl feel special with little to no money, but when all the focus is on the expense, it just makes you feel worthless to the guy.

4. Paulie the Pouncer

The guy who goes from "What's your name" to "How do you like your eggs in the morning" within 2 minutes.

Patti says- "All too common- the guy just wants to get laid."

Le sigh, this is all too common in the online dating arena, but luckily these guys tend to give themselves away within the first few interactions.

5. Mark the Misogynist

They have a bone to pick with women worldwide. Whether it's mommy issues or ex-girlfriend issues, he's not letting go and taking it out on you.

Patti says- "They clearly don't like or respect women."

To me this is the scariest type of man, and it's surprising how prevalent they are. I've gotten a taste of this in dating and it's enough to make my skin crawl. Maybe they don't want you to succeed more than them. Maybe they don't want to give you any real or perceived power over them. Maybe they want you to agree with them all the time. Maybe they feel threatened by your happiness independent of him. It's a bad deal, ladies. Get out if you see signs of this.

6. Wally the Wounded

The Eeyore of the dating world. Wearing their broken heart on their sleeve and looking to you for solace.

Patti says- "This type has a way of sucking you in and making you want you to take care of him."

Mercy, I have little to no patience for this type of guy in my dating life. I learned the hard way years ago about this guy, and have henceforth kept my sensors out to detect this type of attitude in guys. I think this is something a lot of women struggle with because they're nurturing by nature, but when it comes down to it, I'm not looking for someone to coddle, but a man to be my partner in life.

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So these are some of the common dating pitfalls that Patti warns us single ladies to avoid. But lest we get discouraged, she ends with these words- "There are normal, healthy, and worthwhile guys out there."

I hope so, Patti, I really hope so.