Stumbling over online dating

Alright folks, approximately 3 weeks after finishing dating detox, I am officially driving myself crazy, with an assist by online dating.

Based on past experiences and this one, I have determined that it takes approximately 3 days into online dating to become disillusioned. Let me explain to you some of the marketing and business model of these companies.

Online dating companies almost always have some level of a free profile registration. it is a boon to their business to be able to say that they have a large database. More fish in the sea, if you will. So you do that, and generally you are allowed to perform some sort of search function, or receive "matches" of some kind so you are able to see the types of wonderful people you will be able to meet, if only you join their service. Until you subscribe, you can only admire them from afar, but you will not be able to communicate to a level where you can actually meet unless you pay.

SO, if you do see some nice young men you are interested in, you can join and take a shot. Here is what they don't tell you, but those experienced in the online dating realm are well aware of. You're also taking a gamble on whether or not the people you are interested in are actually paying members as well. Because if they aren't, even if you are, you still won't be able to actually connect with them.

Therein lies the rub! I approximate it takes 3 days for you to join and realize the people you're actually interested in either aren't interested in you or aren't subscribed. Sometimes it feels like the recycling symbol- You're chasing one, he's chasing another, another is chasing you. And round and round it goes.

Do you sense a hint of pessimism in my tone? That bums me out. That's really not me at all. I'm letting this get to me, and that has to stop. I think I'm unintentionally putting all my proverbial eggs of meeting anyone in the basket of online dating, and that's dumb. And frankly, that's not WHAT PATTI SAID. :)

So now it's time to employ other methods. I'm thinking specifically of the 5 second stare and friend-referral, soon to be documented. So I will end on this note- do you know someone who you think I might be interested in getting to know and vice versa? Holla atcha girl!

Reflections on Dating Detox

Dear Diary,

I survived step 1 of Patti's 12 month action plan for love, Dating Detox. I didn't expect one month on focusing on myself rather than dating (or trying to find a date) to be so trying, but it was.

I went through a gamut of emotions. It was really freeing to not worry about "taking care" of anyone but myself. On many levels, I feel like I got to re-discover the things that actually interest me (versus those things I have feigned interest in on behalf of the men in my life) and take steps to plan my future, husband or no.

But the road was also rocky. The loneliness was very acute. I realized that I self-medicated loneliness by thinking about future dates or browsing online dating sites. So during dating detox, I was left to sort it out on my own. That was good, but hard, and I don't think I "arrived" at self-actualization or anything like that, but it was good to see I could do it.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter of this process, but I also hope to hold onto the self-awareness and self-care I developed during this month.

Non-Negotiable #5- Shared values

In the (almost) words of Vanessa Williams, I went and saved the easiest for last. To me, this is the hands down easiest non-negotiable to identify. My partner needs to share the same values I do. Primarily I think of this is in religion and practice thereof, but I think it also in other major facets of life (political, financial).

If you can't tell, I ascribe to the theory that similarities in foundational issues is important in relationships (thanks Dr. Neil Clark Warren). A wise friend once said that the world is hard enough on its own- you don't need to come home to someone who is going to disagree with and antagonize you.

To me this is one of the trickier non-negotiables. How do I find the balance of meeting someone similar yet unique and independent? Such are the questions of life. And as is the case with many of those questions, I hope to know it when I see it.

Is the public in agreement with me? Do you value similarities over differences, or was Paula Abdul right when she danced with an animated cat and declared that opposites attract?

Non-Negotiable #4- Active lifestyle

About six months ago, I was setting health goals for myself and found a succinct way to phrase a major one- "Be healthy enough to enjoy the activities that I want to participate in."

Anyone who knows me well would tell you that if I can possibly be outside, I will be. I love the feeling of the sun on my skin and soaking up that vitamin D. Hiking, photography, walking, gardening and dancing are major parts of my life. Because of this I know that it is important to have a partner who values an active lifestyle as much as I do.

Sure there are times for lazing around, but I want to be with someone who doesn't wait for life to pass them by, but wants to get out and enjoy it in whatever form moves them. I'm independent enough to be able to enjoy these things on my own, but have found that being with someone who doesn't enjoy an active lifestyle can become lonely.

An active lifestyle isn't just exclusively physical, either. I am always trying to learn new things, and it is important to me that my partner also take the initiative to push themselves and grow in experience and wisdom.

He doesn't have to enjoy exactly what I do; it would be even greater if he had his own hobbies and interests that keep his mind and body active. In a world where it is easy to stay glued to your couch, TV and video games, I want a guy who wants more than that.

Only ONE MORE non-negotiable. And beyond that, only TWO MORE days of dating detox! Who'da thunk it. I definitely have some thoughts as this time wraps up about the pro's and con's of shelving the idea of dating for a month. Stay tuned in!

I wanna get visual, visual

Patti suggests that you should make a collage out of images and phrases that encapsulate what you want in a relationship and put it somewhere where you will see it often to help keep your eyes on the prize.

But I feel it is important to keep it out of site of any prospective dates. :) Lil' bit weird if you ask me!

So far this is the suggestion that has most pushed my comfort zone (but don't worry, there are many more to come). I really wasn't sure what I was looking for, but grabbed some clips that inspire me to work toward a healthy, long-term relationship.

Only 3 more days of dating detox!

You can click on it to see a larger view.

Non-Negotiable #3- Good partner

Everyone has certain priorities they place on the role that a husband or wife will serve in their life. For me, that is primarily being a good partner.

I have never had any grandiose visions of fairy tales or being swept away by romance and gushy feelings. From an early age I've realized those things are fleeting, but what stands the test of time is someone who is a good partner.

That could probably mean a lot of things to a lot of people. To me, it conjures images of encouragement, support, and loyalty. The world is a hard place, and one of the primary blessings of a long-term relationship is having someone to go through it all with- the good and the bad.

Honestly, when I inventory past relationships, I think this is one of my best qualities that I bring to the table. I think that my exes (even those who don't like me much now) would agree that I was a good partner through good and bad, and I place a high priority on having someone who is similarly there for me.

I think there are a few ways to determine if a person has this quality. The first is, of course, the test of time. Observing how he reacts to what life brings and sharing life events with each other. Another is noting the primary relationships in his life- friends, family, co-workers.

How else do you think you could determine a person's potential to be a good partner?

I'm Coming Out!

Last night some of my friends and I gathered to watch THE video, Patti Stanger: Married in a Year, and I told them about this blog and my plans. We were all amused and bemused, and the general sentiment is somewhere between thinking I'm bold, brave, or crazy.

I shouldn't pussyfoot around the fact that Patti's presentation is most certainly in-your-face. The reason she has a popular TV show is her delivery of her advice. She often comes across as brash and insulting, and at times a bit nuts.

I asked at the end of my friends had any questions or concerns, and wondering whether I'd be as harsh as she is on men or myself was one of the issues brought up. Fair question.

Something that will be interesting to watch play out is how I live Patti's advice while remaining authentic to myself. While I proceed, I hope that following her advice encourages me to try things I wouldn't have thought to try before, but I will remain true to my character, values, and personality.

This should be a wild ride. :) Although I'm sort of enjoying dating detox, I am getting excited to try these new tools out!

Half-way there

I'm half-way through dating detox. It's definitely been a good process, but not easy.

Today I got very lonely all of the sudden. I was suddenly flooded with memories of how good it felt to be dating someone. The companionship and fun of it all.

The tricky thing is that it made me miss my ex! But I was able to distinguish the fact that it wasn't him I missed, but the idea of a relationship. How many bad relationships are started and perpetuated (and returned to!) because of loneliness?

I'll stay strong, no worries. Two and a half more weeks until I can even think about dating again. But until then, I still have plenty to work out within myself.

Non-Negotiable #2- Respectful

Non-Negotiable #2- RESPECTFUL

Men I date must be respectful to:
-Me
-Himself
-His family
-My family
-His friends
-My friends
-His coworkers
-People in the service industry
-People who he disagrees with
-Etc....

I realize this should probably be a given for all relationships, but I feel the need to state it and expand upon it given some of my past experiences.

Once upon a time, I dated a guy and soon after we started dating, I noticed he was very disrespectful to his roommate. Shoulda been a red flag. Then we went on a road trip with some of his best friends and I saw how he treated them. Another red flag. So when the day (quickly) came that he was treating me disrespectfully, I shouldn't have been surprised. I forgave/ignored it away as long as I could, until it was just impossible.

But to me, respect also extends beyond the inner circle and is truly a deep-seeded character trait that impacts how they treat everyone, especially people or ideas that are outside their circle of experience. I love to broaden my horizons and learn about new ideas, and people who are closed off to that type of thing usually are so because of a lack of respect.

Also, it's so important to respect yourself. Men who don't respect themselves will often take it out on those around them, so a healthy self-respect is a foundational trait indicates maturity and stability.

Only 3 more!

Bitterness and Singledom

No one wants to be a stereotype, right? So let's all agree that the stereotypically bitter single woman is passe.

A natural result of dating detox is that you will have time and opportunity to work through the emotional baggage of past relationships. I'm very thankful to say that my last relationship ended about as well as one could. We liked each other, but both knew we weren't "forever", so we parted on amicable terms.

However, I certainly did/do have plenty of resentment to work through in other past relationships. By taking time out from looking for "the one" to fill the void, I have had to face and work through things that I have previously avoided by dating. Don't get me wrong- I think dating around is fun and healthy, generally speaking- but I was rowing my boat down the river of denial through looking for a fella (hence the immediate jump into online-dating).

O Magazine had a good article about forgiveness this month.  I'm still working on it, to be sure, but I have remarkably felt myself starting to heal. It certainly is painful at times, but I'd much rather do it now than pour misdirected bitterness on the next man I date or others in my life.

This is definitely one of the messier parts of dating detox, but things that are difficult are also oftentimes the most worthwhile.

Non-Negotiable #1- Intelligence

As part of dating detox, you are meant to spend time reflecting on past relationships and applying lessons learned to the future. One part of this is determining 5 non-negotiables.

I have never been one of those women who has a list of must-haves for my future-mate (okay, maybe when I was 12). But Patti makes it sound as though this is a conversation she has to have often with ladies. Frankly, I think I'm going to have a hard time figuring out 5, but I shall do my best.

The first one is something that I have learned in the past year. I have lowered my standards in this arena both moderately and significantly, and based on strong advice from my friends and what I know in my heart- the first non-negotiable is INTELLIGENCE.

Let's just say I'm not lacking self-confidence in the area of intelligence. I know I'm smart, and I don't need anyone to soothe my ego. I enjoy challenging myself intellectually, broadening my horizons, and having good conversations with my friends. In fact, last fall I was enjoying a great night of conversation with some of my friends- the friends for life type- and realized that I was so glad they married smart people, and that I'd also have to marry someone who could hold their own with my sharp and savvy friends.

I've come to a point where I realized that mental engagement is important to me. Not only important, but necessary. Not only that, but I have to stop playing the role of  "silly girl" with men I'm dating. I don't want to be a ball buster or arrogant, but over my past few relationships I have "played dumb" to boost the ego of the men I'm with. That doesn't seem fair to either of us.

So there's one non-negotiable down. I'll keep thinking of others!

The one where this is actually working

Dating detox. Alright, I have to say that so far this is a great idea.

I actually broke up with the last boyfriend a month ago. And you know what I did that night? Joined an online dating site. Approximately 48 hours later, I realized it was a dumb idea. Thank goodness I went for the "one month" plan.

My mindset in doing that was that I wanted to mentally move on. The truth was that I didn't want to mentally process the break up. Because honestly, the ex was just a placeholder for other emotional issues I didn't want to deal with. Now here I was, having to deal with them in full glory. AND alone.

So this dating detox has been been great so far. No thinking about dating. No online dating. No viewing men as prospective dates. Just getting back to myself.

I went on vacation, part of which was alone alone. I went to dance class. I started a new side business and I am looking into moving. Not for anyone else, but for me.

Although I haven't quite tackled the hardest parts of dating detox yet, this gives me hope. Happy go lucky indeed!

I should be happy!

The first step in the "12 month action plan for finding love" is DATING DETOX. Remember that phrase- it's important! 

Based on the length of my last relationship, my dating detox should last 30 days, according to Patti. And dating detox is essentially as it sounds.  No dating! No pursuing dating. Focus on yourself- improving yourself, learning about yourself, celebrating yourself.

There are several steps. The first one I want to focus on is "listing 10 things that make me happy." I need this in my life. Lately I've found myself growing resentful and bitter, and that ain't me! I need to snap out of my funk, and this is a good way to do it.

TEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

1. Sunlight
2. Gardening
3. Photography
4. Watching 30 Rock
5. Listening to NPR
6. Yoga
7. Pilates
8. Hiking
9. Cafe au lait
10. Blueberries