Half-way there

I'm half-way through dating detox. It's definitely been a good process, but not easy.

Today I got very lonely all of the sudden. I was suddenly flooded with memories of how good it felt to be dating someone. The companionship and fun of it all.

The tricky thing is that it made me miss my ex! But I was able to distinguish the fact that it wasn't him I missed, but the idea of a relationship. How many bad relationships are started and perpetuated (and returned to!) because of loneliness?

I'll stay strong, no worries. Two and a half more weeks until I can even think about dating again. But until then, I still have plenty to work out within myself.

Bitterness and Singledom

No one wants to be a stereotype, right? So let's all agree that the stereotypically bitter single woman is passe.

A natural result of dating detox is that you will have time and opportunity to work through the emotional baggage of past relationships. I'm very thankful to say that my last relationship ended about as well as one could. We liked each other, but both knew we weren't "forever", so we parted on amicable terms.

However, I certainly did/do have plenty of resentment to work through in other past relationships. By taking time out from looking for "the one" to fill the void, I have had to face and work through things that I have previously avoided by dating. Don't get me wrong- I think dating around is fun and healthy, generally speaking- but I was rowing my boat down the river of denial through looking for a fella (hence the immediate jump into online-dating).

O Magazine had a good article about forgiveness this month.  I'm still working on it, to be sure, but I have remarkably felt myself starting to heal. It certainly is painful at times, but I'd much rather do it now than pour misdirected bitterness on the next man I date or others in my life.

This is definitely one of the messier parts of dating detox, but things that are difficult are also oftentimes the most worthwhile.

Non-Negotiable #1- Intelligence

As part of dating detox, you are meant to spend time reflecting on past relationships and applying lessons learned to the future. One part of this is determining 5 non-negotiables.

I have never been one of those women who has a list of must-haves for my future-mate (okay, maybe when I was 12). But Patti makes it sound as though this is a conversation she has to have often with ladies. Frankly, I think I'm going to have a hard time figuring out 5, but I shall do my best.

The first one is something that I have learned in the past year. I have lowered my standards in this arena both moderately and significantly, and based on strong advice from my friends and what I know in my heart- the first non-negotiable is INTELLIGENCE.

Let's just say I'm not lacking self-confidence in the area of intelligence. I know I'm smart, and I don't need anyone to soothe my ego. I enjoy challenging myself intellectually, broadening my horizons, and having good conversations with my friends. In fact, last fall I was enjoying a great night of conversation with some of my friends- the friends for life type- and realized that I was so glad they married smart people, and that I'd also have to marry someone who could hold their own with my sharp and savvy friends.

I've come to a point where I realized that mental engagement is important to me. Not only important, but necessary. Not only that, but I have to stop playing the role of  "silly girl" with men I'm dating. I don't want to be a ball buster or arrogant, but over my past few relationships I have "played dumb" to boost the ego of the men I'm with. That doesn't seem fair to either of us.

So there's one non-negotiable down. I'll keep thinking of others!

The one where this is actually working

Dating detox. Alright, I have to say that so far this is a great idea.

I actually broke up with the last boyfriend a month ago. And you know what I did that night? Joined an online dating site. Approximately 48 hours later, I realized it was a dumb idea. Thank goodness I went for the "one month" plan.

My mindset in doing that was that I wanted to mentally move on. The truth was that I didn't want to mentally process the break up. Because honestly, the ex was just a placeholder for other emotional issues I didn't want to deal with. Now here I was, having to deal with them in full glory. AND alone.

So this dating detox has been been great so far. No thinking about dating. No online dating. No viewing men as prospective dates. Just getting back to myself.

I went on vacation, part of which was alone alone. I went to dance class. I started a new side business and I am looking into moving. Not for anyone else, but for me.

Although I haven't quite tackled the hardest parts of dating detox yet, this gives me hope. Happy go lucky indeed!

I should be happy!

The first step in the "12 month action plan for finding love" is DATING DETOX. Remember that phrase- it's important! 

Based on the length of my last relationship, my dating detox should last 30 days, according to Patti. And dating detox is essentially as it sounds.  No dating! No pursuing dating. Focus on yourself- improving yourself, learning about yourself, celebrating yourself.

There are several steps. The first one I want to focus on is "listing 10 things that make me happy." I need this in my life. Lately I've found myself growing resentful and bitter, and that ain't me! I need to snap out of my funk, and this is a good way to do it.

TEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

1. Sunlight
2. Gardening
3. Photography
4. Watching 30 Rock
5. Listening to NPR
6. Yoga
7. Pilates
8. Hiking
9. Cafe au lait
10. Blueberries

Single in the City

How trite is that for a first post title? Well it's true. I live in The City. I have a great job that I love and at which I'm very good.

And I'm in my late 20's and I'm single.

Like many ladies in my demographic, I also enjoy a little guilty pleasure of Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker. Starring Patti Stanger as matchmaker, this show follows the ups, downs, joy and horror of looking for love.

Patti has been awfully enterprising lately, expanding her brand into many commercial endorsements and side businesses. One was the recent release of a DVD entitled Patti Stanger: Married in a Year.

I pre-ordered the DVD well in advance, because I was intrigued by what advice she might give. So much so that by the time it arrived, I was actually in a committed relationship. Talk about a quick way to freak a guy out! I watched the video and enjoyed it, but never mentioned it to the Boyfriend (of course).

I remember thinking at the time that it would be pretty interesting to live by Patti's guidelines for a year and write about it, but at that time it wasn't feasible as I was in a relationship.

But guess who is single now! 

So here I go. I'm setting out to follow the Patti Stanger plan for finding love and marriage within a year, and will share the details with you my friends.

Here's to trying new things!