Non-Negotiable #2- Respectful

Non-Negotiable #2- RESPECTFUL

Men I date must be respectful to:
-Me
-Himself
-His family
-My family
-His friends
-My friends
-His coworkers
-People in the service industry
-People who he disagrees with
-Etc....

I realize this should probably be a given for all relationships, but I feel the need to state it and expand upon it given some of my past experiences.

Once upon a time, I dated a guy and soon after we started dating, I noticed he was very disrespectful to his roommate. Shoulda been a red flag. Then we went on a road trip with some of his best friends and I saw how he treated them. Another red flag. So when the day (quickly) came that he was treating me disrespectfully, I shouldn't have been surprised. I forgave/ignored it away as long as I could, until it was just impossible.

But to me, respect also extends beyond the inner circle and is truly a deep-seeded character trait that impacts how they treat everyone, especially people or ideas that are outside their circle of experience. I love to broaden my horizons and learn about new ideas, and people who are closed off to that type of thing usually are so because of a lack of respect.

Also, it's so important to respect yourself. Men who don't respect themselves will often take it out on those around them, so a healthy self-respect is a foundational trait indicates maturity and stability.

Only 3 more!

11 Steps to Happiness

In her book, Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate, Patti gives many ideas for how to have fun in the meantime during your dating detox. Participating in these activities will allegedly give you the glow of happiness and self-confidence that men can't resist.


1. Get lost in your favorite book, TV show, or movie.

Okay, I enjoy all three of these things on a regular basis.

2. Take a long hot bath with your favorite scented bath oil or bubbles.

I take baths when I'm sore. Seems a bit cliche. But since Patti said so, I'll do it.

3. Take a quick weekend vacation.

I took a week long vacation!

4. Pet, hold, or hug something soft and furry, even if it's just at the pet store.

Now seeking furry things to pet.

5. Work on your favorite hobby.

Photography's my hobby, and I stay busy at it often.

6. Write a nice letter.

This is a good idea; I'll try it. With mother's day

7. Plant something.

I'm flower bedding this year, so I'm outside with it often.

8. Listen to happy music.

Does this mean I should forgo my "Girl Power" (A la Avril and Pink) and "Busta Cap" playlists? Fine fine, I'll trade them in for the Latino beats that made my heart shimmy and shake.

9. Sign up for a class or workshop.

Speaking of those Latino beats, I'm now taking dance classes!

10. Explore your roots.

Okay, I'll think about this. I have actually recently spent some quality time with extended family, so it's plausible. And seeing where you've been helps you realize where you want to go.

11. Eat chocolate.

Yeah, no worries there. :)

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What are some other tried and true steps to happiness I should look into?

Bitterness and Singledom

No one wants to be a stereotype, right? So let's all agree that the stereotypically bitter single woman is passe.

A natural result of dating detox is that you will have time and opportunity to work through the emotional baggage of past relationships. I'm very thankful to say that my last relationship ended about as well as one could. We liked each other, but both knew we weren't "forever", so we parted on amicable terms.

However, I certainly did/do have plenty of resentment to work through in other past relationships. By taking time out from looking for "the one" to fill the void, I have had to face and work through things that I have previously avoided by dating. Don't get me wrong- I think dating around is fun and healthy, generally speaking- but I was rowing my boat down the river of denial through looking for a fella (hence the immediate jump into online-dating).

O Magazine had a good article about forgiveness this month.  I'm still working on it, to be sure, but I have remarkably felt myself starting to heal. It certainly is painful at times, but I'd much rather do it now than pour misdirected bitterness on the next man I date or others in my life.

This is definitely one of the messier parts of dating detox, but things that are difficult are also oftentimes the most worthwhile.

Non-Negotiable #1- Intelligence

As part of dating detox, you are meant to spend time reflecting on past relationships and applying lessons learned to the future. One part of this is determining 5 non-negotiables.

I have never been one of those women who has a list of must-haves for my future-mate (okay, maybe when I was 12). But Patti makes it sound as though this is a conversation she has to have often with ladies. Frankly, I think I'm going to have a hard time figuring out 5, but I shall do my best.

The first one is something that I have learned in the past year. I have lowered my standards in this arena both moderately and significantly, and based on strong advice from my friends and what I know in my heart- the first non-negotiable is INTELLIGENCE.

Let's just say I'm not lacking self-confidence in the area of intelligence. I know I'm smart, and I don't need anyone to soothe my ego. I enjoy challenging myself intellectually, broadening my horizons, and having good conversations with my friends. In fact, last fall I was enjoying a great night of conversation with some of my friends- the friends for life type- and realized that I was so glad they married smart people, and that I'd also have to marry someone who could hold their own with my sharp and savvy friends.

I've come to a point where I realized that mental engagement is important to me. Not only important, but necessary. Not only that, but I have to stop playing the role of  "silly girl" with men I'm dating. I don't want to be a ball buster or arrogant, but over my past few relationships I have "played dumb" to boost the ego of the men I'm with. That doesn't seem fair to either of us.

So there's one non-negotiable down. I'll keep thinking of others!

The one where this is actually working

Dating detox. Alright, I have to say that so far this is a great idea.

I actually broke up with the last boyfriend a month ago. And you know what I did that night? Joined an online dating site. Approximately 48 hours later, I realized it was a dumb idea. Thank goodness I went for the "one month" plan.

My mindset in doing that was that I wanted to mentally move on. The truth was that I didn't want to mentally process the break up. Because honestly, the ex was just a placeholder for other emotional issues I didn't want to deal with. Now here I was, having to deal with them in full glory. AND alone.

So this dating detox has been been great so far. No thinking about dating. No online dating. No viewing men as prospective dates. Just getting back to myself.

I went on vacation, part of which was alone alone. I went to dance class. I started a new side business and I am looking into moving. Not for anyone else, but for me.

Although I haven't quite tackled the hardest parts of dating detox yet, this gives me hope. Happy go lucky indeed!

I should be happy!

The first step in the "12 month action plan for finding love" is DATING DETOX. Remember that phrase- it's important! 

Based on the length of my last relationship, my dating detox should last 30 days, according to Patti. And dating detox is essentially as it sounds.  No dating! No pursuing dating. Focus on yourself- improving yourself, learning about yourself, celebrating yourself.

There are several steps. The first one I want to focus on is "listing 10 things that make me happy." I need this in my life. Lately I've found myself growing resentful and bitter, and that ain't me! I need to snap out of my funk, and this is a good way to do it.

TEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

1. Sunlight
2. Gardening
3. Photography
4. Watching 30 Rock
5. Listening to NPR
6. Yoga
7. Pilates
8. Hiking
9. Cafe au lait
10. Blueberries

Single in the City

How trite is that for a first post title? Well it's true. I live in The City. I have a great job that I love and at which I'm very good.

And I'm in my late 20's and I'm single.

Like many ladies in my demographic, I also enjoy a little guilty pleasure of Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker. Starring Patti Stanger as matchmaker, this show follows the ups, downs, joy and horror of looking for love.

Patti has been awfully enterprising lately, expanding her brand into many commercial endorsements and side businesses. One was the recent release of a DVD entitled Patti Stanger: Married in a Year.

I pre-ordered the DVD well in advance, because I was intrigued by what advice she might give. So much so that by the time it arrived, I was actually in a committed relationship. Talk about a quick way to freak a guy out! I watched the video and enjoyed it, but never mentioned it to the Boyfriend (of course).

I remember thinking at the time that it would be pretty interesting to live by Patti's guidelines for a year and write about it, but at that time it wasn't feasible as I was in a relationship.

But guess who is single now! 

So here I go. I'm setting out to follow the Patti Stanger plan for finding love and marriage within a year, and will share the details with you my friends.

Here's to trying new things!