My current sentiment on dating

From Postsecret
Edited slightly to be family friendly. :)

Dating Retox- Online dating

I shall call this phase... dating retox.

Online dating. I realize it has a stigma, but here's the deal. When you're an adult with a job and a routine and a stable friend group, it's easy to get into a rut where you don't meet many new people. And you know what the internet does? It is a series of tubes and hoses that link your computer to all the other computers in the world! And behind those computers are people! Perhaps even people you haven't met!

But really, I have dipped my toe back into the frigid pool of online dating. I have used it before and met some cool people. Some more cool than others. This week I went on one online date, but it was to an event and I can pretty well guarantee it will be a one time thing.

I thought I might use this post as a forum to answer some questions about online dating. I know people have a lot. So... let 'er rip!

Reflections on Dating Detox

Dear Diary,

I survived step 1 of Patti's 12 month action plan for love, Dating Detox. I didn't expect one month on focusing on myself rather than dating (or trying to find a date) to be so trying, but it was.

I went through a gamut of emotions. It was really freeing to not worry about "taking care" of anyone but myself. On many levels, I feel like I got to re-discover the things that actually interest me (versus those things I have feigned interest in on behalf of the men in my life) and take steps to plan my future, husband or no.

But the road was also rocky. The loneliness was very acute. I realized that I self-medicated loneliness by thinking about future dates or browsing online dating sites. So during dating detox, I was left to sort it out on my own. That was good, but hard, and I don't think I "arrived" at self-actualization or anything like that, but it was good to see I could do it.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter of this process, but I also hope to hold onto the self-awareness and self-care I developed during this month.

Non-Negotiable #5- Shared values

In the (almost) words of Vanessa Williams, I went and saved the easiest for last. To me, this is the hands down easiest non-negotiable to identify. My partner needs to share the same values I do. Primarily I think of this is in religion and practice thereof, but I think it also in other major facets of life (political, financial).

If you can't tell, I ascribe to the theory that similarities in foundational issues is important in relationships (thanks Dr. Neil Clark Warren). A wise friend once said that the world is hard enough on its own- you don't need to come home to someone who is going to disagree with and antagonize you.

To me this is one of the trickier non-negotiables. How do I find the balance of meeting someone similar yet unique and independent? Such are the questions of life. And as is the case with many of those questions, I hope to know it when I see it.

Is the public in agreement with me? Do you value similarities over differences, or was Paula Abdul right when she danced with an animated cat and declared that opposites attract?

Non-Negotiable #4- Active lifestyle

About six months ago, I was setting health goals for myself and found a succinct way to phrase a major one- "Be healthy enough to enjoy the activities that I want to participate in."

Anyone who knows me well would tell you that if I can possibly be outside, I will be. I love the feeling of the sun on my skin and soaking up that vitamin D. Hiking, photography, walking, gardening and dancing are major parts of my life. Because of this I know that it is important to have a partner who values an active lifestyle as much as I do.

Sure there are times for lazing around, but I want to be with someone who doesn't wait for life to pass them by, but wants to get out and enjoy it in whatever form moves them. I'm independent enough to be able to enjoy these things on my own, but have found that being with someone who doesn't enjoy an active lifestyle can become lonely.

An active lifestyle isn't just exclusively physical, either. I am always trying to learn new things, and it is important to me that my partner also take the initiative to push themselves and grow in experience and wisdom.

He doesn't have to enjoy exactly what I do; it would be even greater if he had his own hobbies and interests that keep his mind and body active. In a world where it is easy to stay glued to your couch, TV and video games, I want a guy who wants more than that.

Only ONE MORE non-negotiable. And beyond that, only TWO MORE days of dating detox! Who'da thunk it. I definitely have some thoughts as this time wraps up about the pro's and con's of shelving the idea of dating for a month. Stay tuned in!

I wanna get visual, visual

Patti suggests that you should make a collage out of images and phrases that encapsulate what you want in a relationship and put it somewhere where you will see it often to help keep your eyes on the prize.

But I feel it is important to keep it out of site of any prospective dates. :) Lil' bit weird if you ask me!

So far this is the suggestion that has most pushed my comfort zone (but don't worry, there are many more to come). I really wasn't sure what I was looking for, but grabbed some clips that inspire me to work toward a healthy, long-term relationship.

Only 3 more days of dating detox!

You can click on it to see a larger view.

Non-Negotiable #3- Good partner

Everyone has certain priorities they place on the role that a husband or wife will serve in their life. For me, that is primarily being a good partner.

I have never had any grandiose visions of fairy tales or being swept away by romance and gushy feelings. From an early age I've realized those things are fleeting, but what stands the test of time is someone who is a good partner.

That could probably mean a lot of things to a lot of people. To me, it conjures images of encouragement, support, and loyalty. The world is a hard place, and one of the primary blessings of a long-term relationship is having someone to go through it all with- the good and the bad.

Honestly, when I inventory past relationships, I think this is one of my best qualities that I bring to the table. I think that my exes (even those who don't like me much now) would agree that I was a good partner through good and bad, and I place a high priority on having someone who is similarly there for me.

I think there are a few ways to determine if a person has this quality. The first is, of course, the test of time. Observing how he reacts to what life brings and sharing life events with each other. Another is noting the primary relationships in his life- friends, family, co-workers.

How else do you think you could determine a person's potential to be a good partner?

I'm Coming Out!

Last night some of my friends and I gathered to watch THE video, Patti Stanger: Married in a Year, and I told them about this blog and my plans. We were all amused and bemused, and the general sentiment is somewhere between thinking I'm bold, brave, or crazy.

I shouldn't pussyfoot around the fact that Patti's presentation is most certainly in-your-face. The reason she has a popular TV show is her delivery of her advice. She often comes across as brash and insulting, and at times a bit nuts.

I asked at the end of my friends had any questions or concerns, and wondering whether I'd be as harsh as she is on men or myself was one of the issues brought up. Fair question.

Something that will be interesting to watch play out is how I live Patti's advice while remaining authentic to myself. While I proceed, I hope that following her advice encourages me to try things I wouldn't have thought to try before, but I will remain true to my character, values, and personality.

This should be a wild ride. :) Although I'm sort of enjoying dating detox, I am getting excited to try these new tools out!

Half-way there

I'm half-way through dating detox. It's definitely been a good process, but not easy.

Today I got very lonely all of the sudden. I was suddenly flooded with memories of how good it felt to be dating someone. The companionship and fun of it all.

The tricky thing is that it made me miss my ex! But I was able to distinguish the fact that it wasn't him I missed, but the idea of a relationship. How many bad relationships are started and perpetuated (and returned to!) because of loneliness?

I'll stay strong, no worries. Two and a half more weeks until I can even think about dating again. But until then, I still have plenty to work out within myself.