When "good enough" isn't.

For for the mild abandonment, bloggies.

The truth is that by the time I posted the last blog, I was just about dated out. I was starting to hate it. And I was definitely hating online-dating.

Greg Good Man and I went out twice. I wasn't totally feeling the chemistry the first time, but wanted to give him another shot. We went out again, he was a perfect gentlemen, but conversation felt like a constant strain. And, as much as I hate to admit it (because there's no good reason), every time he even touched my arm or back I would tense up. So after we went out twice and he asked me out again, I told him that although he was very kind and gentlemanly, I didn't see us having a relationship beyond friendship. In true form, he bowed out graciously. Good guy, but not the right guy.

The old me would have stuck it out and "hoped" things improved. But the "growing me" realized that "good enough" isn't what I really want. I want to date someone I enjoy being around and who challenges me. I would be cheating myself and the man I was with to settle for less.

There are updates, to be sure. In good news, I broke the curse of the first date killer. The last two guys I've gone out with have asked me out again! And there is one fella I'm on date #9 with...

TO BE CONTINUED.

The next level- Bio Card

One of the most eccentric tips Patti has for finding love within a year is creating your own personal bio card.

Basically, this reminds me of something between an actor's head shot and a baseball card.

It includes full length and face photographs, as well as a short bio of your interests and background. I actually asked Patti on twitter what to include specifically, and although she responded to the wrong person, she did respond. "On your bio card your stats, height, weight, age, occupation n interests...plus how to contact you!"

First of all, I'm not putting my weight on this thing! It would even feel awkward to put my height. I mean really? Sigh, but I figure since I have no idea what I'm doing in this "bio card" arena, I should just follow her advice blindly.

The purpose of the card is to give it to your friends and family, for them to give to men who might be a good match. I'm actually interested to see how this turns out.

One of my friends took pictures for the card last week. I'm about halfway done with the design and bio writing. Then time to print and disperse! 

Let him show you how it's done

I am actually excited! I have a date on Tuesday night. Yes, Tuesday night. That is a few days away, but how about that- the man planned ahead.

You may recall this fella as Greg Good Man from the last post. So far I have to say, this guy gets very high marks. Let me just point out a few things that I feel like he did right.

He messaged me first. 

Of course it doesn't have to be this way, but it is flatter that he took the time to.

He mentioned specific points on my profile.

It wasn't a generic message. He noted specific things that he liked about my profile and said that he'd like to get to know me more.

He was prompt in replying, but not creepy-fast prompt. 

This can be a delicate balance. In fact there was a guy just this week who would get frustrated that I wouldn't respond within minutes. But Greg Good Guy is reliable and dependable, and frankly that is very attractive.

He takes initiative.

He asked me for my phone number after a few messages exchanged. He asks me when a good time to call would be, and calls me at that time. After a few phone calls, he asked me out.

He is gentlemanly.

He asked if I like particular types of food, then when I gave a really terrible answer (truly my bad), he already had a plan, which was great. He asked if I'd be more comfortable meeting there or if he "could do the chivalrous thing and pick me up." I was so flattered! I honestly haven't had a guy pick me up in so long. I live kind of out of the way of most people, and when I warned him of that he insisted it wasn't an issue.

So there you have it. He should consider writing a short course in how to treat a lady. And frankly, woo a lady. I find myself smiling. It's very unlike me... but I like it. :)

Why this girl doesn't like "nice guys"

Let me tell you a little story. A story of a girl and two boys.

The girl liked Nick Nice Guy. In fact, the more she hung out with him, the more she liked him. And he sure did seem to like her. But something was amiss. He wouldn't initiate activities together. He seemed to care more about what she thought of him than how he felt about her. Even though the girl really liked him, this isn't a sustainable relationship model.

Then came along Greg Good Man. The girl didn't feel the same chemistry with Greg that she did with Nick right off the bat, but she was immediately impressed with how he handled himself and her. He was kind and respectful, let her know that he was interested in her, and took charge of progressing the relationship forward.

Now which guy do you think the girl ultimately went out with?

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Not much will send me into sheer peevedness as quickly as a man who bemoans that he is the "nice guy that never gets the girl." Here's the honest truth- girls don't want to be with "nice guys."

In what use is the word "nice" a trait you associate with masculinity? I can tell you that I want a man who is strong, brave, kind, and compassionate. But nice? Nice makes me think of weak coffee. Nice is how you describe things that aren't quite bad.

The hard truth is that "nice men" are often PASSIVE MEN.

I can't speak for all women, but I can say that for me, this is such a turn off. In my mind, if a man can't ask you out, then how are they going to react when the actual difficulties of a relationship come along? Men who complain about this are the ones who so often slip into the friendship zone because they are waiting for some bolt to fall from the sky to ignite the relationship. Relationships don't fall out of thin air. They happen because someone took a risk in making themselves vulnerable. As a woman, I am capable of that, but I want to be with a man who wants me enough to take a leap of faith to work for it.

Here's a shocker- I'm the girl in the opening parable. I would like to start a relationship with the Nice Guy, but I'm tired of putting myself out there if he can't match it. But do you know how good it feels to be pursued by a Good Man? Very. And frankly, that is a sign of character I'll take any day.

Good men are hard to find. But if you do find one, don't take him for granted.

Saturday night special

I haven't written in a while. I'm sure there's been a "What Patti Said" void in your heart that this blog is meant to fill. Never feel, gentle readers, here I be.

I got discouraged by online dating. I'm sure Patti would say, "Well you should be diversifying your man portfolio!" Ideally, 1/3 of leads from online dating, 1/3 from friends, 1/3 from your geographic circle (aka men you meet just by being out and about).

It's just very discouraging, ya know? I won't start the trite single woman's lament, but it's true. There's the guys I've gone out with who would like to enter me in their cell phone as booty call. There are the men who I'm just not interested in. And of course there's the one guy who I actually like who is the type of guy I should want to be with, but of course I'm somewhere between sabotaging for fear and looking for things to go wrong.

I just want to shelve the whole thing. I want to make peace with my life and just keep on going at my happy little pace. My doctor told me a few weeks ago that he thinks I should make a five year plan. He probably said that because it's healthy to look into your future and feel some sense of direction and goals. I'm terrible at goal setting, but if I'm going to, the truth is that I have to make plans as though it's just going be me looking out for myself. Which is kind of depressing and thus defeats the purpose, but oh well.

The truth is that I'm learning a lot about myself. I can see things that I have to work through, and the end goal isn't to be with someone, it's to be someone I want to share headspace with. :)

Okay, erratic post. Obviously written by a single girl at 11pm on a Saturday night. Ha! I'll be more interesting some other time.

To pay or not to pay- that is the question

Had another lunch date yesterday with a guy from the internet. The date was meh. He just isn't the personality type I want to spend much time around. By the time an hour had passed, I was really for it to end, which is pretty unusual for me.

The date did bring up one question, though. We met at Panera Bread. I say this so you know that we ordered our food with a cashier, then sat down. Well, he ordered ahead of me. When the cashier asked if we were together or separate, he quickly affirmed- a little too strongly- "Separate!"

Now, let me state my position on this before I tell you how I reacted. Although I am a good southern woman who believes men should be chivalrous, I also am an independent woman. I never go into a date expecting a man should pay. I don't feel entitled to it. Especially when it is meeting for the first time. On every date I go on, I always offer to pay my portion.

BUT. Here's the but. I've never had a guy not offer to pay, so I was kind of caught off guard! Haha, teaches me to be a little southern belle, hmm? I don't know, I just feel like it would have been a nice sign for him to at least offer, especially considering he ordered first.

The truth is, it wouldn't have changed the fact that I wasn't just that into him, so nothing gained, nothing lost, I guess.

What do you think, ladies? Do you expect/want men to pay? Do any fellas read the blog? Do you want women to offer to pay? Would you let her?

My new mantra

Since I last updated you all, some things have happened. I told one fella I felt uncomfortable with the amount of correspondence he wanted before we even met, and he got upset and never contacted me again. Not a big loss.

I have gotten the big blow off from the Twitter fella.

I went to brunch with a nice guy. No sparks flew, but he seemed nice and I wouldn't be surprised if we hung out again. Dropped the F-bomb though. I don't understand on what universe that's appropriate.

Was asked out by another guy via the interwebs, but I think there is a chance that he is a foot fetisher. Not sure what I think about that. Definitely a first!

All this to say, I have been a bit discouraged, but the other day I found myself telling me something over and over that is obvious, but clearly I needed to be reminded.

I am more than who I date!

One of the major downfalls of this little experiment and blog is that I feel like I'm trying too hard, and thoughts of relationships are taking up more than my normal mind-share. But life is good, and I'll keep repeating my mantra as needed. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Calling in reinforcements

I'm a solid 2 months into my 12 Month Love Action Plan, and I figured it was time to bring in reinforcements. Yes, I ordered Patti's book- Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate. Because let's face it, a 60 minute DVD is little sustinance for a year's worth of relationship building.

One of the topics she hits on in her book for this phase of the game is date data-collecting. She says that even if you hate the early phases of dating like she does, you can have a good time by making a game of seeing what information you can glean from each experience.

I think this is a good point. I firmly believe that each date, no matter how lackluster or awkward, provides you with ample learning experience, so it's good to go into it with such an attitude.

One way I'm trying to work this into my life is by dating types of guys I usually don't go for. I will admit that I've had a pretty specific "type" and now I'm looking into guys I would normally write off, because well, my own type hasn't been going so well for me, has it? I will say it has forced me out of my comfort zone (in a good way!) and made me drop some preconceptions and prejudices I've had. And who knows, just maybe I'll be proven wrong.

That's NOT what Patti said!

This blog is named What Patti Said. The premise of this year is to follow the words of Patti Stanger. But sometimes I just don't! Usually because I just forget. Here are some tips I've messed up on.

DON'T TEXT!

Patti says- don't text a guy! By telling a guy you don't text and prefer the phone you speed up your courtship. "Women fall in love between their ears, not with their thumbs."

I messed this up on accident! The guy I went out with last night, for example. Last week he had sent me his phone number via the interwebs and told me to text him to figure out a day to get together. I did it without even thinking- made sense to me. But then as I was recounting the story to a friend, she pointed out my misstep! Alas! And once you break the texting seal, it's pretty hard to go back and act as though you don't actually text. Oops!

STRAIGHT HAIR, NOT CURLY HAIR!

Last night, as I was literally walking out the door, I was struck by the realization that my hair was curly. Granted, it looked great. Granted, it was completely weather/situation appropriate. BUT men like straight hair!

As a woman, I've heard this a lot through the years. It's based on the general premise that men 1- like long hair and 2- like the thought of running their hands through women's hair. I even read this article about an experiment a woman did on an online dating site in an A/B style marketing test. Straight hair won the day soundly. 

So I went on a date with curly hair. If I never hear from him again, I'll know why.

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I'm sure there are other things I am doing wrong. There is one that I am purposefully not doing, which I will talk about in the next installment!

The new old fashioned way

Ladies and gentleman, I just might have a "date" this weekend. I'm going to let my mind go free and follow all the little rabbit paths I want to during this blog as I let you into my psyche.

A date. I think it's a date. I'd call it a date. It's coffee. With a guy. A guy I met online, but through the Twitters, not a dating site. It came about because he kept flirting with me online. I've never met him (although we have mutual friends). I know he's shy, so finally I just messaged him and suggested we should be real life friends and get coffee sometime. He responded very enthusiastically, so we'll see how it goes.

My little part of the subculture is so terrible at dating. If you were an evangelical Christian hitting adolescence during the "Kiss Dating Goodbye" craze, I am pretty sure you were scarred for life on some level and take dating entirely too seriously.

Luckily for me, this fella is very vettable, so there will be no Catfish-like reveals that it's all a hoax. I am 99.5% sure he is really real, which is higher confidence than I have for some of my own friends. :)


So I'm going in with an open mind... but very tempered expectations. All dates, even those not going anywhere, are good life and communication experience. I'll keep you updated.

6 Types of Dating Disasters

In dating, Patti points out 6 types of guys that the single lady should be wary of. 


1. Kenny the Critic

He critiques and corrects everything about you.

Patti says- "He's either insecure or obsessed with perfection."

I've dated this guy. It's maddening. From my experience it stems more from insecurity. My personal opinion is that when it comes to self worth, you either find it within yourself or you make others around you pay for it. That never turns out well!

2. Bobby the Bragger

Boasts about his desirability and every other thing about him.

Patti says- "He thinks he's God's gift to women."

You can spot these guys from their online dating profiles. They usually say things about how stunning they are in physique or career and expect the women they are with to meet the same level of excellence. Nothankyouverymuch.

3. Frugal Freddie

The guy who doesn't want to part with his money and views every interaction in terms of dollars and cents.

Patti says- "It's alright to be thrifty, but very dollar he spends seems to cause him pain."

Yes, also dated this guy. There is a line between wise in spending money and cheap skate. The problem with cheap skates is they make you feel like a liability or not worth (any) money. There are plenty of ways to make a girl feel special with little to no money, but when all the focus is on the expense, it just makes you feel worthless to the guy.

4. Paulie the Pouncer

The guy who goes from "What's your name" to "How do you like your eggs in the morning" within 2 minutes.

Patti says- "All too common- the guy just wants to get laid."

Le sigh, this is all too common in the online dating arena, but luckily these guys tend to give themselves away within the first few interactions.

5. Mark the Misogynist

They have a bone to pick with women worldwide. Whether it's mommy issues or ex-girlfriend issues, he's not letting go and taking it out on you.

Patti says- "They clearly don't like or respect women."

To me this is the scariest type of man, and it's surprising how prevalent they are. I've gotten a taste of this in dating and it's enough to make my skin crawl. Maybe they don't want you to succeed more than them. Maybe they don't want to give you any real or perceived power over them. Maybe they want you to agree with them all the time. Maybe they feel threatened by your happiness independent of him. It's a bad deal, ladies. Get out if you see signs of this.

6. Wally the Wounded

The Eeyore of the dating world. Wearing their broken heart on their sleeve and looking to you for solace.

Patti says- "This type has a way of sucking you in and making you want you to take care of him."

Mercy, I have little to no patience for this type of guy in my dating life. I learned the hard way years ago about this guy, and have henceforth kept my sensors out to detect this type of attitude in guys. I think this is something a lot of women struggle with because they're nurturing by nature, but when it comes down to it, I'm not looking for someone to coddle, but a man to be my partner in life.

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So these are some of the common dating pitfalls that Patti warns us single ladies to avoid. But lest we get discouraged, she ends with these words- "There are normal, healthy, and worthwhile guys out there."

I hope so, Patti, I really hope so.

Stumbling over online dating

Alright folks, approximately 3 weeks after finishing dating detox, I am officially driving myself crazy, with an assist by online dating.

Based on past experiences and this one, I have determined that it takes approximately 3 days into online dating to become disillusioned. Let me explain to you some of the marketing and business model of these companies.

Online dating companies almost always have some level of a free profile registration. it is a boon to their business to be able to say that they have a large database. More fish in the sea, if you will. So you do that, and generally you are allowed to perform some sort of search function, or receive "matches" of some kind so you are able to see the types of wonderful people you will be able to meet, if only you join their service. Until you subscribe, you can only admire them from afar, but you will not be able to communicate to a level where you can actually meet unless you pay.

SO, if you do see some nice young men you are interested in, you can join and take a shot. Here is what they don't tell you, but those experienced in the online dating realm are well aware of. You're also taking a gamble on whether or not the people you are interested in are actually paying members as well. Because if they aren't, even if you are, you still won't be able to actually connect with them.

Therein lies the rub! I approximate it takes 3 days for you to join and realize the people you're actually interested in either aren't interested in you or aren't subscribed. Sometimes it feels like the recycling symbol- You're chasing one, he's chasing another, another is chasing you. And round and round it goes.

Do you sense a hint of pessimism in my tone? That bums me out. That's really not me at all. I'm letting this get to me, and that has to stop. I think I'm unintentionally putting all my proverbial eggs of meeting anyone in the basket of online dating, and that's dumb. And frankly, that's not WHAT PATTI SAID. :)

So now it's time to employ other methods. I'm thinking specifically of the 5 second stare and friend-referral, soon to be documented. So I will end on this note- do you know someone who you think I might be interested in getting to know and vice versa? Holla atcha girl!

My current sentiment on dating

From Postsecret
Edited slightly to be family friendly. :)

Dating Retox- Online dating

I shall call this phase... dating retox.

Online dating. I realize it has a stigma, but here's the deal. When you're an adult with a job and a routine and a stable friend group, it's easy to get into a rut where you don't meet many new people. And you know what the internet does? It is a series of tubes and hoses that link your computer to all the other computers in the world! And behind those computers are people! Perhaps even people you haven't met!

But really, I have dipped my toe back into the frigid pool of online dating. I have used it before and met some cool people. Some more cool than others. This week I went on one online date, but it was to an event and I can pretty well guarantee it will be a one time thing.

I thought I might use this post as a forum to answer some questions about online dating. I know people have a lot. So... let 'er rip!

Reflections on Dating Detox

Dear Diary,

I survived step 1 of Patti's 12 month action plan for love, Dating Detox. I didn't expect one month on focusing on myself rather than dating (or trying to find a date) to be so trying, but it was.

I went through a gamut of emotions. It was really freeing to not worry about "taking care" of anyone but myself. On many levels, I feel like I got to re-discover the things that actually interest me (versus those things I have feigned interest in on behalf of the men in my life) and take steps to plan my future, husband or no.

But the road was also rocky. The loneliness was very acute. I realized that I self-medicated loneliness by thinking about future dates or browsing online dating sites. So during dating detox, I was left to sort it out on my own. That was good, but hard, and I don't think I "arrived" at self-actualization or anything like that, but it was good to see I could do it.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter of this process, but I also hope to hold onto the self-awareness and self-care I developed during this month.

Non-Negotiable #5- Shared values

In the (almost) words of Vanessa Williams, I went and saved the easiest for last. To me, this is the hands down easiest non-negotiable to identify. My partner needs to share the same values I do. Primarily I think of this is in religion and practice thereof, but I think it also in other major facets of life (political, financial).

If you can't tell, I ascribe to the theory that similarities in foundational issues is important in relationships (thanks Dr. Neil Clark Warren). A wise friend once said that the world is hard enough on its own- you don't need to come home to someone who is going to disagree with and antagonize you.

To me this is one of the trickier non-negotiables. How do I find the balance of meeting someone similar yet unique and independent? Such are the questions of life. And as is the case with many of those questions, I hope to know it when I see it.

Is the public in agreement with me? Do you value similarities over differences, or was Paula Abdul right when she danced with an animated cat and declared that opposites attract?

Non-Negotiable #4- Active lifestyle

About six months ago, I was setting health goals for myself and found a succinct way to phrase a major one- "Be healthy enough to enjoy the activities that I want to participate in."

Anyone who knows me well would tell you that if I can possibly be outside, I will be. I love the feeling of the sun on my skin and soaking up that vitamin D. Hiking, photography, walking, gardening and dancing are major parts of my life. Because of this I know that it is important to have a partner who values an active lifestyle as much as I do.

Sure there are times for lazing around, but I want to be with someone who doesn't wait for life to pass them by, but wants to get out and enjoy it in whatever form moves them. I'm independent enough to be able to enjoy these things on my own, but have found that being with someone who doesn't enjoy an active lifestyle can become lonely.

An active lifestyle isn't just exclusively physical, either. I am always trying to learn new things, and it is important to me that my partner also take the initiative to push themselves and grow in experience and wisdom.

He doesn't have to enjoy exactly what I do; it would be even greater if he had his own hobbies and interests that keep his mind and body active. In a world where it is easy to stay glued to your couch, TV and video games, I want a guy who wants more than that.

Only ONE MORE non-negotiable. And beyond that, only TWO MORE days of dating detox! Who'da thunk it. I definitely have some thoughts as this time wraps up about the pro's and con's of shelving the idea of dating for a month. Stay tuned in!

I wanna get visual, visual

Patti suggests that you should make a collage out of images and phrases that encapsulate what you want in a relationship and put it somewhere where you will see it often to help keep your eyes on the prize.

But I feel it is important to keep it out of site of any prospective dates. :) Lil' bit weird if you ask me!

So far this is the suggestion that has most pushed my comfort zone (but don't worry, there are many more to come). I really wasn't sure what I was looking for, but grabbed some clips that inspire me to work toward a healthy, long-term relationship.

Only 3 more days of dating detox!

You can click on it to see a larger view.

Non-Negotiable #3- Good partner

Everyone has certain priorities they place on the role that a husband or wife will serve in their life. For me, that is primarily being a good partner.

I have never had any grandiose visions of fairy tales or being swept away by romance and gushy feelings. From an early age I've realized those things are fleeting, but what stands the test of time is someone who is a good partner.

That could probably mean a lot of things to a lot of people. To me, it conjures images of encouragement, support, and loyalty. The world is a hard place, and one of the primary blessings of a long-term relationship is having someone to go through it all with- the good and the bad.

Honestly, when I inventory past relationships, I think this is one of my best qualities that I bring to the table. I think that my exes (even those who don't like me much now) would agree that I was a good partner through good and bad, and I place a high priority on having someone who is similarly there for me.

I think there are a few ways to determine if a person has this quality. The first is, of course, the test of time. Observing how he reacts to what life brings and sharing life events with each other. Another is noting the primary relationships in his life- friends, family, co-workers.

How else do you think you could determine a person's potential to be a good partner?

I'm Coming Out!

Last night some of my friends and I gathered to watch THE video, Patti Stanger: Married in a Year, and I told them about this blog and my plans. We were all amused and bemused, and the general sentiment is somewhere between thinking I'm bold, brave, or crazy.

I shouldn't pussyfoot around the fact that Patti's presentation is most certainly in-your-face. The reason she has a popular TV show is her delivery of her advice. She often comes across as brash and insulting, and at times a bit nuts.

I asked at the end of my friends had any questions or concerns, and wondering whether I'd be as harsh as she is on men or myself was one of the issues brought up. Fair question.

Something that will be interesting to watch play out is how I live Patti's advice while remaining authentic to myself. While I proceed, I hope that following her advice encourages me to try things I wouldn't have thought to try before, but I will remain true to my character, values, and personality.

This should be a wild ride. :) Although I'm sort of enjoying dating detox, I am getting excited to try these new tools out!

Half-way there

I'm half-way through dating detox. It's definitely been a good process, but not easy.

Today I got very lonely all of the sudden. I was suddenly flooded with memories of how good it felt to be dating someone. The companionship and fun of it all.

The tricky thing is that it made me miss my ex! But I was able to distinguish the fact that it wasn't him I missed, but the idea of a relationship. How many bad relationships are started and perpetuated (and returned to!) because of loneliness?

I'll stay strong, no worries. Two and a half more weeks until I can even think about dating again. But until then, I still have plenty to work out within myself.

Non-Negotiable #2- Respectful

Non-Negotiable #2- RESPECTFUL

Men I date must be respectful to:
-Me
-Himself
-His family
-My family
-His friends
-My friends
-His coworkers
-People in the service industry
-People who he disagrees with
-Etc....

I realize this should probably be a given for all relationships, but I feel the need to state it and expand upon it given some of my past experiences.

Once upon a time, I dated a guy and soon after we started dating, I noticed he was very disrespectful to his roommate. Shoulda been a red flag. Then we went on a road trip with some of his best friends and I saw how he treated them. Another red flag. So when the day (quickly) came that he was treating me disrespectfully, I shouldn't have been surprised. I forgave/ignored it away as long as I could, until it was just impossible.

But to me, respect also extends beyond the inner circle and is truly a deep-seeded character trait that impacts how they treat everyone, especially people or ideas that are outside their circle of experience. I love to broaden my horizons and learn about new ideas, and people who are closed off to that type of thing usually are so because of a lack of respect.

Also, it's so important to respect yourself. Men who don't respect themselves will often take it out on those around them, so a healthy self-respect is a foundational trait indicates maturity and stability.

Only 3 more!

11 Steps to Happiness

In her book, Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate, Patti gives many ideas for how to have fun in the meantime during your dating detox. Participating in these activities will allegedly give you the glow of happiness and self-confidence that men can't resist.


1. Get lost in your favorite book, TV show, or movie.

Okay, I enjoy all three of these things on a regular basis.

2. Take a long hot bath with your favorite scented bath oil or bubbles.

I take baths when I'm sore. Seems a bit cliche. But since Patti said so, I'll do it.

3. Take a quick weekend vacation.

I took a week long vacation!

4. Pet, hold, or hug something soft and furry, even if it's just at the pet store.

Now seeking furry things to pet.

5. Work on your favorite hobby.

Photography's my hobby, and I stay busy at it often.

6. Write a nice letter.

This is a good idea; I'll try it. With mother's day

7. Plant something.

I'm flower bedding this year, so I'm outside with it often.

8. Listen to happy music.

Does this mean I should forgo my "Girl Power" (A la Avril and Pink) and "Busta Cap" playlists? Fine fine, I'll trade them in for the Latino beats that made my heart shimmy and shake.

9. Sign up for a class or workshop.

Speaking of those Latino beats, I'm now taking dance classes!

10. Explore your roots.

Okay, I'll think about this. I have actually recently spent some quality time with extended family, so it's plausible. And seeing where you've been helps you realize where you want to go.

11. Eat chocolate.

Yeah, no worries there. :)

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What are some other tried and true steps to happiness I should look into?

Bitterness and Singledom

No one wants to be a stereotype, right? So let's all agree that the stereotypically bitter single woman is passe.

A natural result of dating detox is that you will have time and opportunity to work through the emotional baggage of past relationships. I'm very thankful to say that my last relationship ended about as well as one could. We liked each other, but both knew we weren't "forever", so we parted on amicable terms.

However, I certainly did/do have plenty of resentment to work through in other past relationships. By taking time out from looking for "the one" to fill the void, I have had to face and work through things that I have previously avoided by dating. Don't get me wrong- I think dating around is fun and healthy, generally speaking- but I was rowing my boat down the river of denial through looking for a fella (hence the immediate jump into online-dating).

O Magazine had a good article about forgiveness this month.  I'm still working on it, to be sure, but I have remarkably felt myself starting to heal. It certainly is painful at times, but I'd much rather do it now than pour misdirected bitterness on the next man I date or others in my life.

This is definitely one of the messier parts of dating detox, but things that are difficult are also oftentimes the most worthwhile.

Non-Negotiable #1- Intelligence

As part of dating detox, you are meant to spend time reflecting on past relationships and applying lessons learned to the future. One part of this is determining 5 non-negotiables.

I have never been one of those women who has a list of must-haves for my future-mate (okay, maybe when I was 12). But Patti makes it sound as though this is a conversation she has to have often with ladies. Frankly, I think I'm going to have a hard time figuring out 5, but I shall do my best.

The first one is something that I have learned in the past year. I have lowered my standards in this arena both moderately and significantly, and based on strong advice from my friends and what I know in my heart- the first non-negotiable is INTELLIGENCE.

Let's just say I'm not lacking self-confidence in the area of intelligence. I know I'm smart, and I don't need anyone to soothe my ego. I enjoy challenging myself intellectually, broadening my horizons, and having good conversations with my friends. In fact, last fall I was enjoying a great night of conversation with some of my friends- the friends for life type- and realized that I was so glad they married smart people, and that I'd also have to marry someone who could hold their own with my sharp and savvy friends.

I've come to a point where I realized that mental engagement is important to me. Not only important, but necessary. Not only that, but I have to stop playing the role of  "silly girl" with men I'm dating. I don't want to be a ball buster or arrogant, but over my past few relationships I have "played dumb" to boost the ego of the men I'm with. That doesn't seem fair to either of us.

So there's one non-negotiable down. I'll keep thinking of others!

The one where this is actually working

Dating detox. Alright, I have to say that so far this is a great idea.

I actually broke up with the last boyfriend a month ago. And you know what I did that night? Joined an online dating site. Approximately 48 hours later, I realized it was a dumb idea. Thank goodness I went for the "one month" plan.

My mindset in doing that was that I wanted to mentally move on. The truth was that I didn't want to mentally process the break up. Because honestly, the ex was just a placeholder for other emotional issues I didn't want to deal with. Now here I was, having to deal with them in full glory. AND alone.

So this dating detox has been been great so far. No thinking about dating. No online dating. No viewing men as prospective dates. Just getting back to myself.

I went on vacation, part of which was alone alone. I went to dance class. I started a new side business and I am looking into moving. Not for anyone else, but for me.

Although I haven't quite tackled the hardest parts of dating detox yet, this gives me hope. Happy go lucky indeed!

I should be happy!

The first step in the "12 month action plan for finding love" is DATING DETOX. Remember that phrase- it's important! 

Based on the length of my last relationship, my dating detox should last 30 days, according to Patti. And dating detox is essentially as it sounds.  No dating! No pursuing dating. Focus on yourself- improving yourself, learning about yourself, celebrating yourself.

There are several steps. The first one I want to focus on is "listing 10 things that make me happy." I need this in my life. Lately I've found myself growing resentful and bitter, and that ain't me! I need to snap out of my funk, and this is a good way to do it.

TEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

1. Sunlight
2. Gardening
3. Photography
4. Watching 30 Rock
5. Listening to NPR
6. Yoga
7. Pilates
8. Hiking
9. Cafe au lait
10. Blueberries

Single in the City

How trite is that for a first post title? Well it's true. I live in The City. I have a great job that I love and at which I'm very good.

And I'm in my late 20's and I'm single.

Like many ladies in my demographic, I also enjoy a little guilty pleasure of Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker. Starring Patti Stanger as matchmaker, this show follows the ups, downs, joy and horror of looking for love.

Patti has been awfully enterprising lately, expanding her brand into many commercial endorsements and side businesses. One was the recent release of a DVD entitled Patti Stanger: Married in a Year.

I pre-ordered the DVD well in advance, because I was intrigued by what advice she might give. So much so that by the time it arrived, I was actually in a committed relationship. Talk about a quick way to freak a guy out! I watched the video and enjoyed it, but never mentioned it to the Boyfriend (of course).

I remember thinking at the time that it would be pretty interesting to live by Patti's guidelines for a year and write about it, but at that time it wasn't feasible as I was in a relationship.

But guess who is single now! 

So here I go. I'm setting out to follow the Patti Stanger plan for finding love and marriage within a year, and will share the details with you my friends.

Here's to trying new things!